I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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