like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
