it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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