if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
This is my gift to your gina
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
