Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
