He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
