Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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