we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
