I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
