Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
