idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
