The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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