I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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