It's like God shit irony all over that family
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize