I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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