i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
