what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
