there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
