Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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