I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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