My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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