need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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