So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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