alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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