Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
