saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
