Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
