There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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