I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
