What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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