nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
