If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
