Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
