I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
