im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Hippo gnu deer
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Drunk is not a location!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
