Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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