you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
