i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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