is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
