I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
