Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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