I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
