I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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