U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
