Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
