i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
