Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The uberlube is also flammable
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
