Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
