thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
