1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
