the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize