just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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