Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
