so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
