...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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