my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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