Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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