i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
