Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Mom said you looked used
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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